*%it happens Edition-

Dear Doctor J,
I've been having a lot of accidents lately. The other night I was having dinner with my best friends in the whole wide world, when all of a sudden I started having these funny feelings inside of me. At first I thought it was the warm and fuzzy feelings between me and my tall friend that we get from patting each other on the back and admiring each other's awesomness. I was wrong, because before I knew it—my pants were ripped and I made this big mess all over our living room floor. I thought it might have been my wife's enchaladas finally hitting me, only I've had this problem before. It seems I can't help myself. At first I used to pretend that all the spots on our carpet were from our dog when it's in heat, but this time I was caught in the act. I got so upset that the mood of the dinner had been ruined, that I kicked the coffee table until my toe turned purple. My friend wanted to kiss it to make it feel better, but I thought that was weird so I declined. Any way, do you think I have bladder and gas issues? Or do you think it's just a case of when you got to go, you've got to go? Ohh, and don't you hate pants?

 -J. Peein, Woodybury, MN.

Dear J. Peein,

First of all, I think you were referring to the city of Woodbury, but that's okay, It was probably just a freudian slip, they are quite common. Your “tall friend,” sounds like he needs a cold shower (preferably without you.) He sounds like someone who has watched Brokeback Mountain or 40 Year Old Virgin forty times too many. Ass far ass your problem goes, it is no joking matter. I recommend you drive downtown. There they have an assortment of stores that specialize in retail plugs. If that doesn't get to the bottom of your problem, I strongly suggest that you have samples of your stool examined by a qualified physican (not your friend, even if he offers). If that fails, use the plugs! Now if you excuse me, I've got to go to the office and see a man about a horse. Sorry, the good doctor can't resist a good euphemism. Good day now.

-Have a letter you'd like Doctor J to post? Send to: Nessie80@aol.com or comments to http://thejsmcafe.blogstream.com/ ]]

Doctor J Poll: Which Doctor would you most trust with your problems?
	Doctor J
	Doctor Phil
	Doctor Fraiser Crane
	Doctor Joyce Brothers
	Doctor Sigmund Freud
	Doctor Kevorkian
	none of the above
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JSM to be an uncle!

I have recently been the recipient of surprising news.  My sister informed me that, after running some tests with her doctor it has been confirmed that she and her husband of three years will be having a baby, and yours truly will finally be an uncle for the first time. My sister, who currently resides in the heart of New York City is excited about the news and is said to be considering a return to Minneapolis in the next year or so to raise the baby, once it is born. My mom has already begun buying baby clothes as I write this. It is sure to be an interesting next few months. From what I have heard, they plan on learning the gender of the baby as soon as it can be determined by the doctors. This usually takes up to five months into the pregnancy before determining, so hopefully we will know in time for the holidays whether I'll be having a new niece or nephew. I will certainly keep my readers informed and follow the developments over the coming months. I want to congratulate my sister and brother-in-law on this happy news. -JSM.  

Car Crash-

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.' 'Well,' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped' 'I'm sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'he's too far in.'

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• I happened to Tivo the All-star game Tuesday night and despite the great pitchers involved, I was expecting a higher scoring contest.  One thing that stood out to me though, was that besides Pujols, the National League just looks bland when compared to the bigger-then life stars of the American league.   
• Speaking of the game, something has to change next year in the voting system.  Anytime it is left entirely to the fans to decide who gets in, it hurts deserving players from the smaller market cities.  Though you might not always notice from watching Baseball Tonight, there is quality baseball being played in places other than the east coast. 
• Despite this past week being a bit slow here at the Cafe, I am happy to announce that I am on pace to shatter my original goal of surpassing the 1000 visitor mark by the start of September.  At the current pace I might get there by the first week of August.  Thanks to all those who have made frequent stops and have helped me in trying to attain that goal.  Keep it up. 
• I've found the latest poll results (favorite features on the site question) to be quite interesting.  I hope to get the results posted sometime on the weekend.  I am attempting to post one main poll every week, in order to get reader feedback.  I hope you will continue to check them out.
• If you go to the Cafe profile section you will see that I listed politics as a subject that is covered here at the site, however, in the first few months I have sort of shied a way from that subject more then I had planned.  Not one to be accused of false-advertising I plan to dive into the fray of the political sphere in the coming weeks.  I have read comments on many other sites and I would like to have those kinds of discussions here, I just hope the views expressed here will not drive any of my readers a way.  I believe in freedom of speech, so all voices are welcome, whether you agree with me or not, if you wish to debate I will post your comments. 
• I had the rare opportunity to actually go out and have a good time this past week.  It's amazing how doing things spontaneously once in a while can freshen up the average mundane weekly routine. Not that spending the evening at home and watching Law and Order: SVU is a bad alternative.  It's just nice to get out and migrate among humankind on occasion.  3 times in one week! That's got to be a record for this party animal.  Though I might have had one too many screwdrivers with my cousin the other night. 
• Speaking of my cousin, if anyone finds a pack of Marlboro lights roaming around downtown St. Paul, please give him a call. 
• Just 49 days until my birthday, send all gifts to this address.  Hopefully my friends will remember to invite me to the surprise party this year. 
• Finally, sources are telling me that someone I know very well just learned that they will be having their first child soon. This young couple are still waiting on the results, but all early signs are pointing to that conclusion.  I will go into more specifics once this is confirmed.  I, for one would be very excited if things go as I think they will, I just don't want to jinx it by going into too much detail now.  When I hear more, I will post it here. 
• That's all for now, it's time to rest my thoughts.  I will have more later, until then have a good weekend. -JSM      

Fantasy 101: Boom or Bust?

By. The Gridiron Guru

The summer means several things- baseball, cookouts, hot weather, and most importantly, prep time for the upcoming fantasy football season, which is quietly approaching.  Most drafts are a mere month and a half a way.  This week, rather then focus on a specific position, I thought I would evaluate some of the "potential sleepers" in this years draft.  Keep in mind that the Guru cannot reveal all of his insight, in hopes of winning that elusive championship this year, but the generous Guru is still happy to offer tidbits of info to his loyal readers to help them get an early start on their upcoming drafts.  The following, is my list of potential "break-out" players or those that could surprise.  Next week, I will present the contrast, "Potential Bust players" of the season.  Why start with the negative, after all?

Also look for the Gridiron Guru's column, The Art of Fantasy Football posting early next month.  It will offer advice and preparation that I especially recommend new fantasy players read, in order to be ready come draft time.  -GG.

Quarterbacks-

Jake Delhomme (Panthers)- Why am I so high on Delhomme this year? For one, the Panthers may be the best team in football this year, and for another, the addition of Keyshaun Johnson will make this one of the more quietly explosive offenses in football, if that is possible.  This gives the already-solid Delhomme two very good weapons to throw to.  I like Jake as a top 8 QB.  For some reason he always seems to get overlooked come draft time, that mistake will be someone else's gain this season.

John Kitna (Lions)- Don't laugh yet, he is a super sleeper for sure.  Keep in mind that he now has Mike Martz calling the plays for him as the Offensive cordinator.  So you know the Lions will be coming out throwing in most games.  Kitna will beat out Josh McCown in training camp to earn the start and I believe he will prove to be one of the more solid backup QBs to have on your roster.  When was the last time you could say that about a Detroit QB?

Running backs-

Reuben Droughns (Browns)- This year the touchdowns will come.  Call it a hunch, but I see a big season in store for the Brown's back this year.  I believe with both Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow coming off injuries, not to mention the presence of an inexperienced quarterback, that the running game will be the focal point of the Brown's offense.  The Guru has a knack for picking out surprise RBs.  I had Lamont Jordan last season and Corey Dillon before that.  So remember Reuben come prep time. 

Ron Dayne (Broncos)- Terell Davis, Mike Anderson, Droughns, Orlandis Gary, the list goes on and on.  Looking for this year's Mike Anderson? Then look no further then the soon-to-be great Dayne.  This perennial underachiever is in store for a career year.  Don't make the mistake of taking the more flashy Tatum Bell before this guy, no matter how tempting it may be. 

Wideouts- 

Roy Williams (Lions)-  It only figures that if Kitna is listed here, that his #1 wide receiver would be, as well.  Williams will have his best season ever, this year, the Guru guarntees it, provided he stays healthy.  It is so probable, he probably shouldn't be listed as a "sleeper."

Reggie Brown (Eagles)- Other than L.J. Smith and the so-so Todd Pinkston, who else does McNabb have to throw to? I think Brown will make a solid #2 and/or great #3 receiver on your depth chart.  I think he has a lot of potential and could put up numbers comparable to T.J. Houshmandzadeh. He could be a bargain in the mid-rounds.

Tightend- 

Chris Cooley (Redskins)- Shouldn't really be considered a sleeper at this point, but I still see many fantasy mock boards with him outside the top ten among those at his position, and I find that be outlandish.  Cooley will have some quiet games, but he'll also give you 4-5 catches every time out, making him one of the safest picks at tightend, as well as, one of the most underrated. (New poll below) 

Which player on the Guru's list will have the biggest "breakout" season?
	Jake Delhomme
	John Kitna
	Reuben Droughns
	Ron Dayne
	Roy Williams
	Reggie Brown
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-That does it for this week's fantasy report, next week promises to be a fun one, as the Guru beats down on those players that might look appealing, but to avoid come draft day.  Make sure to tune in, my fellow fantasy freaklings.

-GG. (send comments to the guru at: thejsmcafe.blogstream.com or mail to nessie80@aol.com)