Ask Doctor J
-The Great Americans Edition-
(“You're only as sane as I say you are”)
Dear Doctor J,
My husband has this annoying friend that he works with, that likes to fight with him a lot and makes him play video games. Things have started to get out of hand lately. This friend comes over almost every month now and drinks all my wine and uses all our hand soap. It used to be that I would come home from a long day at work and my husband would have the lawn mowed and the laundry done and then we could sit down on the couch and watch Full House. Now all he does is slouch around, staring at his broken computer and ranting about his arguments with his friend(after he finishes the dishes.) This friend gives me very bad headaches. Doctor J, I was wondering if you could refer me to a good hit man?
-M. Booer, Champlin, MN.
Dear M. Booer,
It's nice to hear from our first woman writer. Your problem is very interesting. I wonder though, if maybe the reason you want this friend done in, is because you are afraid that you will be drawn to him or fall for his charms and sharp wit, if he is not eliminated. Perhaps, it stimulates you that he shares your sophisticated appreciation for wine, while your husband probably drinks out of the milk carton and burps in three languages. My advice to you is to block off these thoughts and move on. Prove you can handle it. You and your husband should invite this friend for dinner, maybe even take him bowling, just to show the world and yourself that you can handle it. You show them, sister!
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Dear Doctor J,
I was wondering if you know anybody who needs their computer fixed, because I know how to do that, you know. I know how to fix computers, just ask my parents. I have an IQ of over 1000. If you know anyone who needs their computers fixed you should give me their phone number so I can call them and have dinner with them and be friends. That way I can fix their computer afterward, when we're done having dinner and getting friendly, ok? Oh, and Doctor J? I know how to fix them real good, it's really easy, and I don't charge that much either...so do you have any phone numbers to give out? I want to come over right a way. Oh, and can I borrow $5? I'll pay you back tomorrow.
-Lu Kuss, Minneapolis, MN.
Dear Lu Kuss,
It is against my doctor-patient privileges for me to simply hand you telephone numbers of my contacts. I mean, how do I know you are not some wacko who just wants to harass innocent people and bore them with your stories. How do I know you are not some weirdo who likes to hit old ladies cars with large objects? The good doctor can't be held responsible for that. Tell you what, maybe if you send a little donation to http://thejsmcafe.blogstream.com/, I might be able to help you out a little bit. I think I know a few people who could use your service. That'll show 'em...I mean help them. Questions? ---------------------------------
Dear Doctor J,
I am a professional baseball player and I have a problem. I have recently been receiving anonymous letters from a fan who says he's a childhood friend. He keeps telling me this long and boring story about how we played in little league together, but I don't remember. He keeps asking me for my autograph and telling me about all these game winning grand slams he hits for his local softball team. Any way, he insists that I come over to reminisce about the “olden days,” watch Anchorman and swim in his new $10,000 pool that he bought. Doctor, how do I let this stalk-- I mean, fan down easy ?
-J. Mauer, St. Paul, MN.
Dear J. Mauer,
There seems to be a theme developing here. There is nothing more frustrating than hearing the same story over and over again. It was like this time when I was nearly run over by a 747 in a store parking lot, just minding my own business...any way I digress, back to your problem-- just tell this guy that you've already seen Anchorman 57 times and that you are too busy getting revved up for the All-Star game. Give him one of your sideburns as a souvenir (that should make him happy), and tell him to get a hobby, like Real estate, I hear it pays well. Questions? OK, next. --------------------------------------------
Dear Doctor J,
I am proud to be an American, but I am originally from African nation. I have questions about some of the customs of the U.S. Why is it that people here do not have a deeper appreciation for football, like they do in my home country and around the world? By football, of course, I am referring to what Americans call, Soccer. Granted, I love this country. (So much so, I even named myself after two U.S Presidents when I sailed over here all those years ago.) But why can't Americans see what great sport Soccer is? And do you think Brazil can still take home the World Cup?
-R. Klee, USA.
Dear R. Klee,
Only, if they steal it. I don't know much about Soccer, but didn't Brazil just get canned last week. If you were a real fan, you would have known that. Don't you know that to be a soccer fan, you have to be hardcore and dedicated to the game? Maybe you are just preserving your energy for another thrilling round of high scoring (2-1) games. (Go Italy!) Here at the cafe, we cover real sports, I recommend you read my “All NFL” edition of letters next month. Then you will finally be a real American. But until then, enjoy your harem. ----------------------------------------------
Dear Doctor J,
help me.
-M. Kapoopcheck --(Parts unknown)
Dear M. Kapoopcheck,
Unfortunately, I'm out of time for this week, please write to us again at a later date, and I'll be sure to get back to you eventually.
-End of Session.
*The letters on this page are fictional and should be taken as such.
*Look for a weekly “Ask Doctor J” letter now appearing every Monday afternoon starting next week at http://thejsmcafe.blogstream.com/ More information next week.
LINCOLN IS THE WINNER!
