Dear Doctor J,

What does a guy have to do to get some respect and recognition in this world? I am a twenty-something college graduate with a million dollar smile, rugged good-looks, a rapidly receding waistline and most of all...a lot of that modesty stuff. But where does it get me? Nowhere, damn it! Pardon my language doctor, but what am I doing wrong? Are people intimidated by my trend-setting attire or vast vocabulary? Is my Italian coat not Italian enough? Does the twinkle in my eyes blind the approaching and eager females? Or is everyone just stupid? Doc, how about I put up a poll and you pick which one it is?

I've done everything people have asked; I've started drinking beer and I've stopped wearing two pairs of underwear in case of an emergency. All to no avail. The cappuccino's on ice and I need your help. Maybe it's just me Doc, but I refuse to be something I'm not. Buongiorno!!!

-J. Martini (Milan, Italy.)

Dear J. Martini,

It sounds like your life is on ice to me, and your italian vocab isn't as thick as your ego.  I suggest you go out and find yourself some new adventures. After all, anyone who can afford to wear expensive Italian coats and hats in the summer surely can afford to take some much needed R&R. Of course you'll have to go at it alone, like always, because people don't appreciate your sophistication and high culture. But hey, at least you don't wear pink shirts, right?

If you want to better connect with your peers try spitting on the floor once and a while, scratch yourself in inappropriate places from time to time, reference movie quotes over and over again, (but only from the cool ones)and as a topper, belch out loud in public places and be proud of it! Do all that and you'll fit right in. But who needs them any way, you've got that nice coat to keep you warm day and night. At least it won't make fun of you.  If so, you might have some real problems there.