---The esteemed Doctor J. shares his "letters from the mindless,"with you, the readers. ---

(“You're only as smart as I say you are”)

Dear Doctor J,

I am a middle aged man looking for that special someone, a girl who can see through my crusty exterior and into the squishy softness that lies within. I make a living as a professional amateur poker player and don't have a chance to get out much. My friend Steve and I scour the city looking for chicks on the weekends, but most of these women aren't quite up to my standards. Most of them are commie hippies, you know, like the kind of broads you find at the U. I want an old-school kind of woman. One who will rub my feet when I get home and greet me with sex at the door, you know the kind that will keep her problems to herself and just focus on my needs. Doctor J, what can I do to attract this type of woman? It seems the women I meet are all wrong for me. They want more then cheap pleasure and two minutes of gratification. They actually want to talk! I've tried Rush and Doctor Phil, but nobody seems to have the answer. Are there no easy women out there anymore??? Easy to find... I mean. This old stag needs to get some and soon. C'mon Doc, hook me up, brotha! The whiskey is chilled and ready. -E. Compton, Minneapolis, MN.

Dear E. Compton,

You seem to be displaying symptoms commonly associated with Ineedabimbolitis. This sickness is also commonly referred to as Iwanttogetlaidreallybaddy. Either way you should fight these urges and truly find yourself first. Maybe there is a reason why these women can't satisfy you. Freud would say that your failure with hot dates is due to resentment toward your father and attachment to your mother. I say your friend, Steve is your sole mate since he is the only one that hasn't given up on you yet or called you a loser or something of that sort. So maybe instead of looking outside the box, you should be looking right in front of it. It's like some wise, English major once said; “two bald heads rubbed together make a pretty nice butt.” Let that be the metaphor to a beautiful and budding relationship. Question? Questions? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Doktor J,

I dont knOw WhAT to Doo, my teachar thinnks I have pr0blams conmummicating myzelf wan ever I rite paperS in cLas. I thank he's gOt like Some sOrt of problam wiTh me, cuz he, like calls mE in clas a lot and makes Me answear a lot Of dumm quEstions and stufff. He reaily makes me madd cuz like he gradez reaily hard! He scores mE low oN woRd choice and stuff. Dude! Like What shud I do? I mean, c'mon like dat iz soooo gae! I usE a lot Of BIG w0rds too! Like: StAdiyum And Minnesoda. D0ctor J, wat Shud I do about this? I have three datez on Saturgay s0 I need your help fast. I'se got another papper du this week and I got to do more better this time or I mite fail and bee kickked out of band kamp 4 good. Wat kan Y0u D0 4 mE! -N. Bauer, River falls, WIS.

Dear N. Bauer,

I think your professor was really out of line in his criticism of your word choice. After reading your letter three times and having it interpreted to me by my six year cousin, I have to say that I counted at least two dozen nice shiny words that you put into your letter. Almost half of them were spelled correctly too. I think your professor is just jealous because you have more dates then he does on Saturday night. That has to be it. Some people are so shallow! So you should just ignore him and keep on writing good papers. If the band thing ever falls through, you may have a career in writing. Just come to Doctor J and I'll provide the crayons. After all, no good writer ever started with pens. You've got to work your way up first. Try not to blow too hard into your instrument though, you want to preserve those brain cells so you can keep coming up with all those big words. Questions? Ok, then. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Dear Doctor J,

I don't know how to reach out to young people in America today. I mean, many of them seem to have this preconceived notion that I'm some sort of mean guy who is out to ruin people, when in reality I stand for what is fair and balanced in the media today. You think CNN or CNBC are looking out for you? C'mon quick drinking the Koolaid people, The media is populated by these left-wing nuts who are all about establishing their own agenda. Ridiculous? I'd say so. You see if young people actually took the time to tune in and watch my program, they might learn a thing or two. But no, they would rather spin things to make me out to be some sort of pin head, when in reality, they've never watched the show! Doctor J, where am I going wrong here? How do I send the message out to the youth of America and make them finally wake up? After all, aren't we looking out for them? -B. O'Reilly, New York, NY.

Dear B. O'Reilly,

Its nice to know someone is looking out for me. The most ridiculous item of the day is that you are absolutely right. Many of these know-it-alls out there attempt to pass judgement on your program when, in fact many of them haven't even watched an entire show. But how can we blame them? Many of them simply don't have the attention spans to be expected to watch an informative hour long debate program. They are much too busy voting for the next American Idol , like that Rueben Stuttered guy. Or breathlessly following the escapades on The O.C. They simply don't have the time to listen to the issues, their narrow little minds are preoccupied. They are too busy protesting wars, playing video games and following the trends to stop and listen to anyone speaking more than two sylables. Are they brain washed by pop culture? Tough to say. Find one with a brain and I will get back to you on that. Questions? Nevermind. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Doctor J, What's wrong with me? -Matt K. (Parts Unknown)

Dear Mr. K,

I think someone needs a hug. I would like to refer you to my suicide hot line. There you will find experts who are designed specifically to help you find that perfect way to do yourself in. You see we're looking out for you, too. Otherwise lets do lunch sometime, your treat. Doctor J will point out all your flaws, though I charge after the first dozen. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Doctor J,

Wats UP!!! I am married with ten kids, I like to dj on the side and make some extra cash. It seems like no matter how much cash I make it never lasts for very long. I was wondering if you could give me any financial advise. I am planning a trip soon maybe to Vegas or New York or somewhere like that, my dream is to someday live in Kansas, you know like Dorthy and that dog and that straw dude...he was awesome! Anyway, how can I save money for all that? By the way, I can get you a good deal on alarms, just give me a call and I'll hook you up, except for on weekends when I NEVER answer my phone. -E. Lara, Osseo, MN.

Dear E. Lara,

I think you're living in Oz already. Nobody wants to live in Kansas. If you want to make some extra money how bout paying off you're debts first, like the $2,563 or so you probably owe your cousin. Remember him? You seem like the kind of person that would do things on impulse like changing your phone number twenty times a year, or throwing a rock at your cousin's eye, or trying to throw him in the swimming pool every fourth of July to see if he learned how to swim yet. Maybe if you stopped and thought things through you would realize that like your cousin, money is extremely valuable and should not be spent carelessly. Perhaps your lack of financial success is a sign that you might have chosen the wrong profession or maybe God is punishing you for being forgetful or for having dumb dreams. Maybe you should wake up and try bartending, that way if you continue to have lousy luck you can just drink your problems a way and at the same time provide members of your family with 50% off drinks all night long. I think you should give up on your dreams and just make others happy by getting them cheap booze. So my advice to you is, just shut up and drink.

End of Session.

*The letters on this page are fictional and should be taken as such.